I'm frustrated. It all seems so hopeless and I feel so helpless in this crazy world of ours. I always have felt this way - as long as I can remember.

I have always seen how silly this consumerism of ours is. I always chose thrift stores over department stores - I always chose mass transit over gas guzzling personal vehilces - I've always known that our American way of living was not the only way of living. I don't know why I've known this. I was raised in the typical middle class american family. My dad worked hard to keep a roof over our heads while my Mom shopped like a mad-person. They always had a newer car - the latetest gadgests. Keeping up with the Jone's and all that.

Maybe it was watching my parent's struggle to keep up the facade, to work and make  money and spend it as fast as it came - and then feel empty at the end of the day. Maybe that's what a saw that made me realize.

I've traveled to other countries and always noticed how other people seem to be much more focused on family, love and the little things in life. The poorest of all, with the fewest "things" always seem to be the most genuinely happy. While we, americans, toil and struggle to have more. I've met very few truly happy americans.

My life exposed me to burning man - a place where people focused on people again and the harsh environment made us all focus on pure survival - and I felt at  home for the first time in my life!

For two weeks a year - I learned to "do without". To be radically self-reliant and stop being exposed to the marketing and brain-washing media. I found work that allowed me to escape those two weeks a year - and then struggled like everyone else the rest of year. No matter how hard or long I worked, it was always just enough to pay the rent and get by.

Then my Dad got sick.Suddenly. I spent every-other day with him in the hospital. He had Lukemia - and 22 days after being diagnosed - he passed away. He was only 62 years old - and really fully in the prime of his life, leaving my grieving mom behind.